LOOK AT THESE RAMPS
FEBRUARY'S HUMOROUS SKETCHES
Screen Time is the best app on my phone. It doesn’t just help me manage and reduce usage; it works across all my devices. Like a lot of apps, it has a social networking component. I can message friends and family, look at their pictures, and enjoy hilarious videos. It’s no surprise, according to my weekly report, Screen Time is the app I used most. But it has become a problem. I’m spending way more time using Screen Time than I am sleeping. I just downloaded an app called Break Away. It helps people struggling with addiction to Screen Time. Like a lot of apps, it has a social networking component. I can message friends and family, look at their pictures, and enjoy hilarious videos.
Are you suffering from a surplus of so-called mental magic? Having trouble sleeping because you’re thinking of so many wonderful ideas? Could you change the world with just a wave of your little hand? Now there’s help. It’s OBLIVI-BRAIN, the first ever anti-magnificence marvel. Say goodbye to brilliance, aptitude, and psychic powers. You’ll be flat as a thing that’s flat, something so flat that you won’t be able to think of a flat thing to liken it to. You’ll be dull. You’ll be boring. You’ll sleep (and feel) like a rock. No more regaling the dinner party with inspiring stories. No more stressful creativity. No more libido. You’ll be more than uninterested in sex, drugs, or rock-n-roll, the only thing you’ll be interested in will be more OBLIVI-BRAIN. That’s right, OBLIVI-BRAIN is highly addictive. Get straight. Get narrow. Get on the side of history that’s chill. Start taking OBLIVI-BRAIN and don’t ever stop. You really can’t. OBLIVI-BRAIN. Shopping was never so much fun.
Bob Dylan only wrote a half dozen songs, the rest he stole from a public library in the year 2060. It’s why he seemed so ahead of his time. He’s run out now—why you won’t hear any new Bob Dylan songs. You might think it was wrong, but after The Bay of Pigs, he had no choice. As for the songwriters he robbed, don’t worry, they’ll write others. The world is no worse off because the songs came sooner. We couldn’t wait. It was a choice between this and nuclear holocaust. I just got off the phone with him. I told him they approached me with the same offer—they want to send me to the future. I’m still on the fence about going. Let me know what you think.
We wanted to talk about having a meeting to discuss our recent gathering where we considered how a lot of people were feeling unsafe at the safety meeting, but that meeting had to be rescheduled because people weren’t feeling safe, so, we’re going to have a get-together to talk about it another time.
Things I said that made my girlfriend laugh:
• No, I didn’t realize you were on mushrooms when we first met, but your hair looked really different.
• People Died Reading This, a guide to avalanches
• You’re Fucked, a guide to a failing marriage
• So, You Want to Murder Your Husband, a handbook for a successful homicide.
• you asked what kind of tea I was drinking. I said, I just boiled my own urine.
• that my cousin had a cordless wristwatch for a while, but he went back to his old one and ran an extension cord wherever he went.
• don’t throw your eyebrows away, bring them to The Eyebrow Bank. If you lost your eyebrows, they offer transplants.
• hotel that offers poop-in-bed service; and how after I checked in, the clerk pitched it to me as an add-on and I was like, “What? Wait. Why?”
• you can’t spell TRUST without RUST.
Why is it that we only use one form of until? Why is nothing ever protil? or contil? Other words you’ll be hearing me use more: smirched (be), gruntled (dis), chalant (non), ality (re), array (dis), dundant (re), shevilled(dis), pete(re), topia(eu/dys), terior(in/ex/an), and lowfalutin.
Sewage facilities are able to recover shampoo from waste water? Yes. You can go down there and they’ll give you a bottle of it for fifteen cents (if you bring your own bottle). Some just take it straight to the head. They’ll walk down there with damp hair and walk home lathering. They’re trying to live a plastic bottle-free life, they just hold out their hands. Are you ready to cut out the middle man and have your own in-home specialized grey water system for reclaiming your own used shampoo? It will pay for itself.
Dear AirBNB host, I want to be a good guest, but I also use A LOT of Kleenex. What would you say is the maximum number of pieces of Kleenex that I can use? If I wash them and hang them to dry, can I get a refund?
One day, I got tall, twenty feet tall. I won every Olympic game. They built me a special bike. I go two hundred miles an hour.
